SOME GREAT THINGS ABOUT GETTING OLDER (cough, cough)
* Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
* Your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee.
* There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future.
* Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be.
* Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense.
* You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.
* No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze.
* You may never have to vacuum under the bed again.
* Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible.
* You don't have to bother planting perennials.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* There's nothing left
to learn the hard way.
* You never have to
go through another plebe year.
Though your hair has turned to silver,
I will love you just the same.
I will always call you "Sweetheart,"
'Cause I can't recall your name.
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16 July 2001