For Bubbleheads Only
Suggestions for the ex-submariner that misses "the good old days on the boat":

1.      Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. 6 hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain. shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".

2.      Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.

3.      Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.

4.      Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

5.      Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

6.      Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere.

7.      Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

8.      Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

9.      Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundro mat you can find.

10.     (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.

11.     Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

12.     Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

13.     Sleep with your dirty laundry.

14.     Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.

15      Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.

16.     Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

17.     Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli or cold soup)

18.     Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

19.     Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.  When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.

20.     Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.

21.     Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

22.     Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

23.     Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.

24.     Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

25.     Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".

26.     Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.

27.     Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.

28.     When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

29.     Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".

30.     Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove.  Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

31.     Write a controlled work package to change the oil on your car.  


>       >  The U.S. Navy answers the question:  "Why did the chicken cross the  road?"

>       >  Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA):  The purpose is to
>       >  familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures.
> Road-crossing
>       >  should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise.
>       > Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a
> safety
>       > observer.
>       >
>       >  Special Forces Command (SEALS):  The chicken crossed at a 90
> degree
>       > angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication.  To
> achieve
>       >  maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver
>       > at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
>       >
>       >  Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS):  Due to the needs of the
> Navy,
>       > the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the
> road.
> This
>       >  will be a 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the
> chicken
>       > a good-deal assignment afterwards.  Every chicken will be required
> to do
>       > one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its
>       >  opportunities for future promotion.
>       >
>       >  Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):  Despite what you see on CNN,
> I can
>       >  neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.
> Questions?
>       >  Please see the SSO.
>       >
>       >  Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC):  This event will need
> confirmation; we
>       >  need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and
> weather
>       >  conditions to confirm  whether it can actually happen within the
>       >  parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that
> they
>       > might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
>       >
>       >  Naval Surface Reserve Force (NAVSURFRESFOR):  The chicken should
>       > log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified.  The
> crossing
>       > updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if
> performed on
> a Monday
>       > or Thursday or during a full moon.  Instructor chickens may update
>       > currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
>       >
>       >  Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR):
> The
>       >    purpose is not important.  What is important is that the
> chicken
>       > remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to
>       > the theater on the   other side  of the road.  Without CHOPing,
> the
> chicken
>       > was able to achieve a     seamless road-crossing with near
> perfect,
>       > real-time in-transit visibility.
>       >
>       >  Theater Air Control Center (TACC):  We need the road-crossing
> time and
>       > the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
>       >
>       >  Naval Intelligence (OXYMORON):  What chicken?
>       >
>       >  Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM):  The chicken was
>       > instructed to hold short of the road.  This road incursion
> incident was
>       > reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR).
>       > Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all
> hold
>       > short instructions.
>       >
>       >  Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEASYSCOM):  Recent changes in
>       > technology, coupled with today's multi-polar strategic
> environment, have
>       >   created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the
> road.  The
>       > chicken  was also faced with significant challenges to create and
>       > develop core   competencies required for this new environment.
>       >
>       >  NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO):  In
>       > a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
> rethinking
>       >  its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
> Using
>       >  the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), CSPO helped the chicken use
> its
>       > skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align
> the
>       > chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
> overall
> strategy
>       > within a Program Management framework.  The CSPO convened a
> diverse
>       >  cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with
>       >  consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
> engage in
> a
>       >  two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
>       > knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
> to
> synergize with
>       >  each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
> and
>       >  successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
> value
>       >  framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
>       >  The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating
> an
>       >  impactful environment which was strategically based,
> mission-focused,
>       > and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need
> Statement
> and
>       >  aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
> This was
>       >  conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
> solution.
>       >  The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to
>       > continue meeting its mission.  The actual crossing of the road has
> not
> occurred,
>       >  however, due to the number of action items still open from the
> meeting.
>       >
>       >


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Last modified 8 August 1999                   Return to Class News                  Return to USNA Class of 1963